In our world of fast-developing technology, and the need to stay connected with friends and colleagues through texts, emails and social media, the irony is that in our face-to-face relationships with others we are becoming increasingly disconnected.  The need to check messages and emails as they arrive, to scroll through social media just to "catch up with what's going on" means that time spent together is often time spent on phones and tablets, and that means we are not "together" at all.  In that distraction, we are not being present with our partner or family.

In my therapy practice, I am seeing increasing numbers of clients who are experiencing "relationship issues" for one reason or another... 

Relationships are not about “getting it right”, they are about connecting with another person.  The most important aspect of connection is the ability to listen… when was the last time you did that?  Really listened, with total presence and with no other distractions at all?

Listening is a skill we all possess; it is a natural, innate ability.  However, as we grow and develop, we learn different, adapted ways of listening, which require effort.

• We learn to listen in order to respond – we are waiting for the other person to finish talking so we can speak.
• We learn to listen merely in order to validate what the other person is saying.
• We learn to listen in order to negate what the other person is saying – to make them wrong, so that we can be right.

What can happen when you just listen…?  Listen with no judgement, no effort, and without trying to offer solutions.  Even if the other person is in a negative place – what happens if you just be with them, and hold the space, with compassion and empathy…?

Put your phones down, people, and just be present with each other... talk to each other... and, more importantly, listen... it's the biggest gift you can offer.


For any couples who feel they would like to spend some time together to reconnect, you may like to know that I offer a very special course... Because it’s only for one couple at a time, it’s tailored for the individuals concerned, and whatever you want to get out of the day.  (You may also like to know that there is absolutely no mobile signal in our training and consultation offices at 'Planet Wykeham'!)
 
Self-Awareness and Relationships is an experiential workshop-style day, with some bits of NLP – understanding how we think, and how we each do that differently from one another; there are also some bits from other psychotherapeutic modalities too, because the day is all about having fun as well as learning about yourselves and each other within your relationship.  It’s designed to be very much a future-oriented day, rather than looking back at whatever has happened in the past – it’s all about developing connection and understanding, and creating your future together.

If you'd like to know more, just give me a call and we can have a chat to see if this is something you'd like to do together.

We have exciting news... As the seasons change, so change is taking place for us, too...

At the beginning of November, we will be moving into our beautiful new training and consultancy offices in Langley House, at Wykeham Business Centre near Scarborough.  Whilst we have really enjoyed holding our courses at Wydale Hall, it will be lovely to have the flexibility of our very own space, where we can put down roots and grow.  Our new offices also have wheelchair access, which is wonderful for our less mobile clients and students. 

We will be arranging an "Open Day" for everyone to pop in and visit us, and maybe share a coffee or a glass of Prosecco... and we'll have more details of that in our November newsletter - if you are not already a subscriber, you can sign up on the website home page.

In the meantime, the first course in our new training room has been arranged for Monday 21st November - Mindfulness and Self-Hypnosis for Personal Change.  If you would like to join us for this relaxing day, then full details are on the website.  There are only six places, though, so if you would like one then please book quickly!  We also have a number of other courses arranged for the winter months; full details are on the SCNLH website.

In the coming months we are hoping to organise some weekly classes in relaxation, as well as Pilates and possibly T'ai Chi - watch this space for more details.
We are really looking forward to welcoming you to our new home!

Last Thursday was haircut day... we have a wonderful, patient lady who, every four weeks, comes to the house for the morning and creates order out of chaos; leaving behind three tidy dogs and an enormous bag of fluff.  (The fluff is much appreciated by the local bird population in the spring, for nest-lining purposes... I would imagine that Lhasa fluff in particular must be very cosy - it certainly all disappears very rapidly.)

For Luna, who adores being brushed and loves meeting people, the arrival of Tracy is one of unrestrained joy and excitement.  Lily is slightly more circumspect, but happy to hang around as she knows there will be biscuits in the offing...  Theo, however, is horrified.  After joining Lily in a traditional (and noisy) Schnauzer greeting, he scurries off at high speed in order to find a hiding place where, he hopes, we will be unable to find him until after Tracy has left... under my office desk is his sanctuary of choice.  If he can't see us, he reasons, there's no way we'll be able to see him.

Unfortunately for Theo, cowering behind the office chair, we somehow always manage to locate him and lift him, by now shivering piteously, onto the grooming table.  Half an hour or so later, when nothing very terrible has happened to him apart from the loss of some fluff amidst lots of cuddles, he's ecstatic to receive his obligatory biscuit from Tracy and run off joyously into the garden, to forget his fears until the next time.

Our worries and stresses are subjective - it depends what we have going on inside our heads as to how we perceive, and therefore how we experience, any given situation.  When we are anticipating an event, we will have an internal representation of how we think the event will be.  If we are focusing on a positive outcome, then we might feel pleasure, or excitement.  But if we are focusing on what might go wrong, we are effectively playing out a scary movie inside our heads, which will result in us feeling stress and anxiety, even though our anticipated scenario may be far from real, or even likely.

Theo's Teachings:

• What we are focusing on has a direct effect on our state of mind.  If you are paying attention to negative things, try opening your mind to the possibility of the positive.  If you look for it, you will find it.
• Our fears are often just False Evidence Appearing Real.  When you are worried or anxious, ask yourself what other possible outcomes might there be?
• If you are facing something disagreeable, give yourself something to look forward to after the event, then imagine yourself out there in the future, looking back at the event.  From this perspective, there is no anxiety.
• If you don't want to be found, choosing the same place to hide each time is probably not the best strategy.  
  

So Luna caught a mole yesterday evening… I’ve no idea where she found it, as there are no evident mole hills in the garden, but she was exceptionally pleased with herself.  She refused to relinquish her prize in the garden, and carried it triumphantly into the house, where she was eventually persuaded to part with it in exchange for three biscuits – a deal which she subsequently regretted, if her disappointed searching was anything to go by…

The mole was, sadly, deceased by this point and was decently interred under the hedgerow across the lane.  Cat families will often be distressingly familiar with this scenario, but with our dogs it is not so frequent (although certainly not unheard of!).

We somehow forget, when we are throwing the fluffy, squeaky toy in a fun game of chase, fetch and throw-in-the-air before chasing again, that in addition to the joyful interaction we are both having, we are also assisting our little hairy friends to hone their hunting skills…

Dogs are natural predators – it is their essential nature to hunt small, squeaky, furry or feathered things.  Why should we expect them to be less dog, and more human, just because we choose to share our lives, our homes and our sofas with them?

Luna’s Teachings:

• Accept others for who they are, rather than expecting them to be whom you think they ought to be.
• Everyone is entitled to perceive the world in their own, unique way.  Others will do whatever they will do – what you do with that is all yours.
• When you’ve just caught your first mole, hold out for the fourth biscuit before handing it over.